Continuing Bryan Post's Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship...
#4. Compassion is the act of feeling deeply for the life position of another individual.
Life position is defined as the stage of internal growth one has attained through experience.
For children, their life position is vastly compromised and so completely dependent upon the responses of the environment.
For example, when I took my child to Disney World for a summer vacation.
In the process of my own internal frenzy to ensure that she had the greatest time possible, I stopped for a moment to reflect upon what I was feeling and what she might be feeling.
In an instant, relief flooded my body as I realized how lost she was in the excitement of the experience, and to simply be in the experience from her life position would be an abundant experience.
I didn't have to rush all around Disney like a mad man; I could simply allow my child to experience life from her seven-year-old position.
I was able to experience deeply a sense of compassion for her youth that I had seldom felt.
To this day I continue to reflect on the essence of that moment to allow me to connect to my child on a deep and compassionate level.
Bryan Post
Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy "There is help, There is hope."
http://www.postinstitute.com
Office: 866-848-POST (7678)
info@postinstitute.com
September 30, 2010
September 23, 2010
P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Component #3
Continuing Bryan Post's P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. components for a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship...
Component #3
Acceptance is the unconditional love that lies
beneath the essential lifelong commitment a parent makes
to her child.
It is vital to the child's healthy survival in the world.
This level of commitment communicates to your child,
"No matter what may happen in life, you are okay with
me, and for this reason, I accept you as you are."
When a child receives this core message, she will carry
this as a stepping-stone into all areas throughout the rest
of her life.
We all have a need to be accepted, to belong, to feel a
part, to be invited into a group with values and beliefs
that coincide with those that resonate deep within our
beings.
Whether it is a group of friends, the human race, a
community, or a family; being accepted is a means of
defining ourselves.
Many children, unfortunately, do not have this deep sense
of acceptance to fall back on during the struggles of life.
These children live with a deep belief that they are inadequate,
not accepted, and unable to be valued and loved.
The result is a life of constant self-doubt and low self-worth.
Such children grow up and become adults who try to find
their self-worth in others, always looking to others or
their work or their money for approval.
Acceptance between a parent and child is the unspoken
agreement that within their relationship that all is okay
for now and forever.
When difficult times come, as surely they will, this
child knows that she can always return to her parent
for security and acceptance.
Bryan Post
Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy
"There is help, There is hope."
http://www.postinstitute.com
Office: 866-848-POST (7678)
info@postinstitute.com
Component #3
Acceptance is the unconditional love that lies
beneath the essential lifelong commitment a parent makes
to her child.
It is vital to the child's healthy survival in the world.
This level of commitment communicates to your child,
"No matter what may happen in life, you are okay with
me, and for this reason, I accept you as you are."
When a child receives this core message, she will carry
this as a stepping-stone into all areas throughout the rest
of her life.
We all have a need to be accepted, to belong, to feel a
part, to be invited into a group with values and beliefs
that coincide with those that resonate deep within our
beings.
Whether it is a group of friends, the human race, a
community, or a family; being accepted is a means of
defining ourselves.
Many children, unfortunately, do not have this deep sense
of acceptance to fall back on during the struggles of life.
These children live with a deep belief that they are inadequate,
not accepted, and unable to be valued and loved.
The result is a life of constant self-doubt and low self-worth.
Such children grow up and become adults who try to find
their self-worth in others, always looking to others or
their work or their money for approval.
Acceptance between a parent and child is the unspoken
agreement that within their relationship that all is okay
for now and forever.
When difficult times come, as surely they will, this
child knows that she can always return to her parent
for security and acceptance.
Bryan Post
Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy
"There is help, There is hope."
http://www.postinstitute.com
Office: 866-848-POST (7678)
info@postinstitute.com
September 20, 2010
P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Component #2
Today we are continuing with Bryan Post's Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship. Today is Component #2!
#2 Empathy is the ability to experience and identify with the emotional state of another person.
It is important to understand that there are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear.
Often times that which looks opposite to love is stemming from fear.
Understanding the primary emotions will assist you in the process of empathy.
This ability is one of the most important aspects in a healthy relationship between a parent and child.
One of the most common misconceptions among parents is that a child displaying aggressive behavior is angry.
This shows a lack of empathy and leads the parent to respond as if he is relating to an angry child, which in turn builds up defensive barriers in the child.
Once you begin to view your child as angry and untrusting, you fail to empathize with him.
It is very difficult for you to move from a place of anger at your child if you are not able to empathize and identify with what your child is actually feeling.
Remember to work diligently to see the fear underneath
the anger.
Your own personal history and upbringing may get in the way of empathy as well.
We have all experienced various traumas of childhood.
You need to be careful to empathize with what your child is actually feeling, rather than assuming he is feeling what you felt as a child.
It is important not to react from an unconscious desire to rescue your child from the pain that you may have felt yourself as a child, or to compensate for something missing in your own interpersonal life.
The longer you live with unresolved traumas in your own life, the further down inside you bury them, and they become deeply ingrained into your unconscious drives.
The task of being empathetic becomes a two-fold experience.
One, for the parent to be aware of his own unconscious and past issues; and two, to look beyond seeing his child as angry, and to identify with the child's true feelings.
This empathetic connection will make parenting a much more mutually satisfying experience.
Bryan Post
Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy "There is help, There is hope."
http://www.postinstitute.com
Office: 866-848-POST (7678)
info@postinstitute.com
#2 Empathy is the ability to experience and identify with the emotional state of another person.
It is important to understand that there are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear.
Often times that which looks opposite to love is stemming from fear.
Understanding the primary emotions will assist you in the process of empathy.
This ability is one of the most important aspects in a healthy relationship between a parent and child.
One of the most common misconceptions among parents is that a child displaying aggressive behavior is angry.
This shows a lack of empathy and leads the parent to respond as if he is relating to an angry child, which in turn builds up defensive barriers in the child.
Once you begin to view your child as angry and untrusting, you fail to empathize with him.
It is very difficult for you to move from a place of anger at your child if you are not able to empathize and identify with what your child is actually feeling.
Remember to work diligently to see the fear underneath
the anger.
Your own personal history and upbringing may get in the way of empathy as well.
We have all experienced various traumas of childhood.
You need to be careful to empathize with what your child is actually feeling, rather than assuming he is feeling what you felt as a child.
It is important not to react from an unconscious desire to rescue your child from the pain that you may have felt yourself as a child, or to compensate for something missing in your own interpersonal life.
The longer you live with unresolved traumas in your own life, the further down inside you bury them, and they become deeply ingrained into your unconscious drives.
The task of being empathetic becomes a two-fold experience.
One, for the parent to be aware of his own unconscious and past issues; and two, to look beyond seeing his child as angry, and to identify with the child's true feelings.
This empathetic connection will make parenting a much more mutually satisfying experience.
Bryan Post
Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy "There is help, There is hope."
http://www.postinstitute.com
Office: 866-848-POST (7678)
info@postinstitute.com
September 16, 2010
P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Component #1
Bryan Post is one of America's foremost child behavior experts. You can find more information about him on his website. He has written a series of posts called P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Eight Components of a Peaceful Parent/Child Relationship. He will be discussing the eight components that he believes are necessary for transforming the parent/child relationship. Sound interesting? Read on!
P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Component #1
#1. Patience is a process that comes from a deep sense of calmness and well-being. It is an absolute necessity in a parent's daily interaction with her child.
As a parent, when you are stressed, the task of being patient will be infinitely more difficult than when you are calm.
In order to remain patient, you must first take into consideration your own stress that may be unconsciously driving your state of functioning.
Next, you must make a concerted effort to be aware of your child's needs at all times and consider what she may be feeling at any given moment.
And remember, you cannot be patient all of the time.
When you do fail in the area of patience you can always apologize for raising your voice or lashing out, and promise to do better the next time.
Bryan Post
Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy "There is help, There is hope."
http://www.postinstitute.com
Office: 866-848-POST (7678)
info@postinstitute.com
P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L. Component #1
#1. Patience is a process that comes from a deep sense of calmness and well-being. It is an absolute necessity in a parent's daily interaction with her child.
As a parent, when you are stressed, the task of being patient will be infinitely more difficult than when you are calm.
In order to remain patient, you must first take into consideration your own stress that may be unconsciously driving your state of functioning.
Next, you must make a concerted effort to be aware of your child's needs at all times and consider what she may be feeling at any given moment.
And remember, you cannot be patient all of the time.
When you do fail in the area of patience you can always apologize for raising your voice or lashing out, and promise to do better the next time.
Bryan Post
Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy "There is help, There is hope."
http://www.postinstitute.com
Office: 866-848-POST (7678)
info@postinstitute.com
September 14, 2010
Respite!!!
JOY FOR JOHNNY
a ministry of faith, hope and love
Second Saturday of each month.
Inaugural Night is Sat, Sep 11 from 4-8 pm
Joy for Johnny is a respite ministry for families that have children with special needs. An outreach ministry of First United Methodist Church, Joy for Johnny honors Jesus' desire that all children be welcomed and embraced as signs of the Kingdom. Kids with special needs, together with their families, receive the loving support of Christ's church through respite care.
For more information Contact
Rev. Nathan Attwood at 334-834-8990 or Susan Hunt at (334) 239-9887
joyforjohnny@gmail.com
a ministry of faith, hope and love
Second Saturday of each month.
Inaugural Night is Sat, Sep 11 from 4-8 pm
Joy for Johnny is a respite ministry for families that have children with special needs. An outreach ministry of First United Methodist Church, Joy for Johnny honors Jesus' desire that all children be welcomed and embraced as signs of the Kingdom. Kids with special needs, together with their families, receive the loving support of Christ's church through respite care.
For more information Contact
Rev. Nathan Attwood at 334-834-8990 or Susan Hunt at (334) 239-9887
joyforjohnny@gmail.com
September 2, 2010
Back to School
Since it is that time of year again I figured a back to school article would be appropriate! This article discusses various issues regarding adoption and the schools. For example, should you tell the school that your child is adopted? And how do you prepare your child to answer difficult questions? Check it out here.
August 25, 2010
August 6, 2010
10 Quick Tips for Back to School Success, by Bryan Post
It’s time for another year of school to begin. No doubt both parents and children are feeling anxious. Parents are anxiously pulling out the last hairs on their heads wishing that bell would have rang last week, and children are anxiously pining away for every last minute of uninterrupted cartoons knowing surely the bell is going to ring soon!
The following are some quick tips comprised for both parents and teachers that will help kick the new school year off on a positive note.
Parents:
1.Back to Bed. This one tip is probably one of the most important. Due to a summer of little structure most children’s natural sleep rhythms are out of sync. Begin at least a week ahead of time getting your child back into the school week sleep routine. By the time school finally starts they’ll be well rested and slipping back into a natural pattern.
2.High protein, Low Carbs. Research has finally revealed that a diet high in proteins (meats, eggs, cheese, nuts, etc.) and low in simple carbs (refined sugars, cereals, pop tarts, fruit drinks, etc.) can help improve a child’s ability to focus and learn more effectively. Summer is often a time of free grazing in the kitchen. Quickly start doing away with the summer stand by snacks, and replacing them with energy and power foods.
3.Decreasing Television. As important as the bedtime routine is the reduction of television. A national study revealed that on average children watch five hours of television a day. Imagine how much that increases during the summer. Television is overwhelming to the brain system of a child, leading to hyperactivity and defiance. Now is a great time to start cutting the television time in half and encouraging your child to pick up a book.
4.Familiarity with Environment. For some children this will be their first time at school, and for others this will be their first time in a new school. It can be very beneficial to take your child to the school and allow them to see it, walk down the halls, perhaps even meet their new teacher. This will create an opportunity for familiarity that will help your child feel more calm and safe when the first bell finally rings.
5.Talk to your Child. Take the days leading up to school to sit down and talk to your child about any fears he or she may be feeling with the new school year approaching. Going into a new grade can be quite intimidating. Let your child know that you will support him and love him no matter what, and you are sure that he will do his very best. Most of all, just listen to what his feelings may be as the big day approaches.
Teachers:
6.Verbalizing Expectations. A particularly powerful opening exercise with new students is asking them their expectations of you as the teacher. Write these down on the board. Following that inform them of your expectations for them. After discussion and agreement, write them in a place where the children can review them from time to time. When things aren’t going so good refer them back to their expectations of you, and yours of them. This will set a tone of openness and trust early in the formation of your new relationship.
7.Get a Heads Up on the Child with Special Needs. All teachers want to give each child a clean slate to start with during the new school year, however a slate absent of a child’s needs is not necessarily beneficial. If you have a child in your classroom that had problems last year, converse with the past teacher and ask her or him what worked with the child and what did not. Help this child begin their year on a positive note by sitting them on the front row, making them the new assistant, and being the lunch line leader (which is code for keeping him next to you!). Remember, you are not punishing the child, but rather creating an environment for success!
8.The Importance of Touch. The simple gesture of a handshake or a pat on the shoulder during a hello is enough to help an anxious child feel safe and secure in a new environment. Unfortunately the use of touch has become a lost ingredient in the relationship between teachers and students, yet we fail to realize for some children the touch they receive from you may be the only positive touch they’ve had all summer. Don’t be afraid to say hello, smile, and touch the child on the shoulder, or hold their hand for a moment longer than normal. This small interaction can go a long way in building trust and security.
9.Quiet Time. Because of the hectic and unstructured schedules of most children during the summer, when they arrive into your classroom they’ll be wound as tight as grandma’s clock. After each major transition time such as early morning playground time to first class, transition from one class to the next, or following lunch and recess, take three minutes to turn the lights off, play a classical song, and encourage the children to breathe and slowly calm down. Not only are such techniques proven effective for children with ADHD, they are effective for all children following a transition.
10.Be Patient with You. It is critically important to remember that even though you’ve been doing this for years, or perhaps maybe this is your first year, you too are going to be forming new relationships. This naturally causes some initial anxiety. Take some deep breaths before your students come into the classroom, and remind yourself that you are the best teacher they could possibly have. Be patient with yourself first, and this will allow you to be patient with your students when they need it the most.
Have a Great Year!
Bryan Post is an internationally recognized expert in the treatment of children with behavior problems. He has consulted with families and schools throughout the United States, Canada, and Australia
The following are some quick tips comprised for both parents and teachers that will help kick the new school year off on a positive note.
Parents:
1.Back to Bed. This one tip is probably one of the most important. Due to a summer of little structure most children’s natural sleep rhythms are out of sync. Begin at least a week ahead of time getting your child back into the school week sleep routine. By the time school finally starts they’ll be well rested and slipping back into a natural pattern.
2.High protein, Low Carbs. Research has finally revealed that a diet high in proteins (meats, eggs, cheese, nuts, etc.) and low in simple carbs (refined sugars, cereals, pop tarts, fruit drinks, etc.) can help improve a child’s ability to focus and learn more effectively. Summer is often a time of free grazing in the kitchen. Quickly start doing away with the summer stand by snacks, and replacing them with energy and power foods.
3.Decreasing Television. As important as the bedtime routine is the reduction of television. A national study revealed that on average children watch five hours of television a day. Imagine how much that increases during the summer. Television is overwhelming to the brain system of a child, leading to hyperactivity and defiance. Now is a great time to start cutting the television time in half and encouraging your child to pick up a book.
4.Familiarity with Environment. For some children this will be their first time at school, and for others this will be their first time in a new school. It can be very beneficial to take your child to the school and allow them to see it, walk down the halls, perhaps even meet their new teacher. This will create an opportunity for familiarity that will help your child feel more calm and safe when the first bell finally rings.
5.Talk to your Child. Take the days leading up to school to sit down and talk to your child about any fears he or she may be feeling with the new school year approaching. Going into a new grade can be quite intimidating. Let your child know that you will support him and love him no matter what, and you are sure that he will do his very best. Most of all, just listen to what his feelings may be as the big day approaches.
Teachers:
6.Verbalizing Expectations. A particularly powerful opening exercise with new students is asking them their expectations of you as the teacher. Write these down on the board. Following that inform them of your expectations for them. After discussion and agreement, write them in a place where the children can review them from time to time. When things aren’t going so good refer them back to their expectations of you, and yours of them. This will set a tone of openness and trust early in the formation of your new relationship.
7.Get a Heads Up on the Child with Special Needs. All teachers want to give each child a clean slate to start with during the new school year, however a slate absent of a child’s needs is not necessarily beneficial. If you have a child in your classroom that had problems last year, converse with the past teacher and ask her or him what worked with the child and what did not. Help this child begin their year on a positive note by sitting them on the front row, making them the new assistant, and being the lunch line leader (which is code for keeping him next to you!). Remember, you are not punishing the child, but rather creating an environment for success!
8.The Importance of Touch. The simple gesture of a handshake or a pat on the shoulder during a hello is enough to help an anxious child feel safe and secure in a new environment. Unfortunately the use of touch has become a lost ingredient in the relationship between teachers and students, yet we fail to realize for some children the touch they receive from you may be the only positive touch they’ve had all summer. Don’t be afraid to say hello, smile, and touch the child on the shoulder, or hold their hand for a moment longer than normal. This small interaction can go a long way in building trust and security.
9.Quiet Time. Because of the hectic and unstructured schedules of most children during the summer, when they arrive into your classroom they’ll be wound as tight as grandma’s clock. After each major transition time such as early morning playground time to first class, transition from one class to the next, or following lunch and recess, take three minutes to turn the lights off, play a classical song, and encourage the children to breathe and slowly calm down. Not only are such techniques proven effective for children with ADHD, they are effective for all children following a transition.
10.Be Patient with You. It is critically important to remember that even though you’ve been doing this for years, or perhaps maybe this is your first year, you too are going to be forming new relationships. This naturally causes some initial anxiety. Take some deep breaths before your students come into the classroom, and remind yourself that you are the best teacher they could possibly have. Be patient with yourself first, and this will allow you to be patient with your students when they need it the most.
Have a Great Year!
Bryan Post is an internationally recognized expert in the treatment of children with behavior problems. He has consulted with families and schools throughout the United States, Canada, and Australia
August 3, 2010
July 19, 2010
ParenTalk
ParenTalk is a great newsletter put out by the Alabama Department of Children's Affairs. This month's newsletter covers topics from "101 Ways to Praise a Child", how to determine if your child is ready for kindergarten, guidelines on leaving children at home alone, ideas to cure the summertime blues, to the top 10 kids' health issues to be aware of in 2010. To sign-up for this newsletter visit this website.
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